As with many other people, I am going through a challenging divorce right now. The chess game involves a six-year-old which adds a complexity and challenges I did not foresee, such as not reacting emotionally to a situation. Preparation, learning what my blind spots are and taking back control have made me stronger today than ever before. If divorcing is something we have in common, I hope I can contribute to your transformation.
2015: Things are messy
We turn back time. It’s 2015 and my family is in crisis. My spouse and I have been together for five years and his status has become his priority. His window of tolerance for me and my daughter is lower than ever. His anger and strong temper affect our relationship, my quality of life, and the well-being of our 1-year-old daughter. It is like Anna from the Frost movie. When he enters a room, you know if he is happy or angry. It’s bad and I avoid him because I fear being verbally attacked, yet again. On my way to work, I often drive to my parents’ house for a cry out. My family life is unbearable.
Never accept aggressive management
No one at work knows about my situation. My mum asks “Why don’t you tell you line manager?”. I don’t trust him. My work relationships are superficial. The only focus is on performance and so, I keep my mask on. Obviously, I am emotionally affected at home and also at work. One day my project manager shows his dissatisfaction. I did not perform as expected. What I hear is: “You are not good enough”. I break into tears and afterwards report the situation to my line manager.
My line manager has a piece of advice which makes me feel worthless; “Camilla, you need to accept managers in our company express aggressive management styles. Work with a psychologist to learn how to deal with it.” I am choked. Never before have any of my clients, including those from BP, Shell, or IBM, told me that my views on good collaboration and leadership were wrong. But here I was, feeling forced to sign up for therapy.
Reflecting on the situation that evening, it was like my heart stopped beating for a while. Then I realised how wrong it was for my line manager to ‘coach the problem’ and not the person. Not a single time does my line manager ask the power question: “How are you doing?”. His focus is only on performance and results, nothing more, nothing less.
It turns out that the suggested ‘therapy’ was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Coaching the person, not the problem
Sitting in the chair at the clinic, my new therapist and I first spoke about the work situation. Then she suddenly asked the magic question “How was I doing at home?”. This is the question I had been looking for. I was silent at first. Then I tapped into my inner intuition and spoke about my situation. I spoke about the tics in my eye and how I feared my spouse. I spoke about how my one-year-old daughter was showing signs of stress. I remember clearly the day I broke into tears when I realised that the tics were triggered by the fear I had of my spouse. And I began to shiver even more when the therapist told me that children gain emotional understanding, capacity for empathy and helping behaviour between the ages of 0 to 3. The frequent expression of negative emotions may lead to dysfunctional emotions later in life. I realised it was time to change. Now.
2019: Four years later
Time flies. Its 2019. I am living with my spouse again after two years of separation. I now work with a coach to build my project advisory business and coaching practice.
One day in June, I am filling in a life assessment form and I am excited to get new insights about myself and areas for improvement. And then I stop enjoying the self-assessment. As I begin scoring my family and love relationships, I am facing my fear once again. I know, I can no longer continue being in a relationship that affects my quality of life. I am in such pain. I go for a walk. On my walk I ask myself “What is the alternative to accepting the status quo?”. I find the answer within pretty soon. It’s time to make change, it is risky, but this time I am not letting myself down.
A week later I have a virtual meeting with my coach and the assessment feedback is great. My entrepreneurial energy is high, but something is strange. The lowest score of all is my private life. “What’s going on here?”, my coach asks.
I can no longer run away from my story. I fear the man I live with. Not in a physical way; I fear his words. I have stayed in the relationship because I cannot stand the vision of my daughter alone with her father, searching for love without getting it. It breaks my heart and I cry like never before. I fear his hot temper when I tell him “game over”.
ALWAYS listen to your inner wisdom
Its spring 2020 and I can no longer ignore how my love relationship affects my life and that of my daughter. And I think of my spouse too; how can he possibly be happy?
I regularly tell my daughter “Don’t disturb daddy. He might get angry at you”.
Tics in my right eyes have returned.
My daughter and I are prisoners in our own home.
I have stopped counting how many nights I sleep with my daughter because I can no longer absorb my spouse’s aggressive temper. I am at my wits end.
Designing my new life
In April 2020 I decided to make a conscious choice. I believe I deserve a better life. I deserve to be with someone who cares for me and who knows how to behave. I am ready to face my greatest fear.
I decide to break the news at a therapist session. Under no circumstances would I break the news while alone with my spouse. I arranged for my sister to pick up my daughter, they are going into shelter, and I prepare myself mentally for how my spouse will react to the news. Maybe joining a couple-living apart (COLA) programme is a possibility if he works on his aggressiveness? I still hope he will change.
It’s a miracle. Although the situation is tough, I notice a change shortly after having broken the sad news. I feel an energy shift. I have taken back control and can slowly design the life that I deserve. In all its misery, it feels so great and powerful. This is me version 2.0.
Living the fear full out
2020 is coming to a close, it has been an amazing and challenging year. My daughter has come to accept why her dad lives somewhere else. She is strong yet so vulnerable and often needs extra care and love.
My 2020 reflections do not end here.
My greatest fear has materialised and my ex-spouse has recently filed a co-parenting case against me. In 2021 I have to defend myself in a court of law as to why I don’t think a 50%-50% residential solution will serve our daughter. During this time, the Bee Gees song “How deep is your love?” becomes a new rock in my life and I tend to compare my divorce with the movie “In bed with the enemy”. I need humour to spice up the situation.
Today I stand stronger than ever. Weird as it may sound, I am in balance. Curls are back. I am in bed with the enemy. And I face the challenge with an open heart.
A few things I want to share
A guide on how to get stronger
In my experience strength comes from these activities:
1) Paint your dream life
2) Ask yourself “how far am I from achieving my dream life?”, “How willing am I to change the status quo?” “What do I fear the most?”
3) Work with a coach and/or therapist to remove the fear that blocks you from achieving your goals
4) Prepare yourself on how to tackle the fear and the change
5) Consciously choose how you respond to any situation. Never react (I know, it can be difficult at times).
6) Embrace your own blind spots and grow from there
7) Don’t let other people’s behaviour’s and opinions influence your standpoint
8) Trust yourself
9) Be proud of yourself
Need help?
Over the last few weeks, I have been thinking that I am probably not the only person going through a divorce right now. And more so thinking “what can I do to be part of the solution?”. And it came to me. Create a project that supports women and men who want to change the status quo.
I’ve created space for 20 single ‘Discovery Sessions’. This offer is for both women and men, completely free, is based on first come first serve basis, and is open now for a limited period. It’s happening now!
One of these limited discovery sessions can be yours if you take action and click on the ‘Breakthrough to Action Session’ link.
